11. Burnout; Managing work-life balance and boundaries

3. Burnout; Managing work/life balance and boundaries

Managing the flow of work and life and seeking balance, in some instances, can be a futile effort. This futility applies more to heart-based solopreneurs than to someone who has a traditional job. In my experience, my work is not separate from my life. My work, which is to be in service to others as I learn and grow, is more akin to a flow than a job.

My personal life merges with my service, and the natural flow between them is a natural balance. This is kind of like the balance between the in-breath and the out-breath. The in-breath in my personal life and the out-breath is my form of service. The in-breath of my personal life is where I find support, enjoyment, and growth (self-learning) opportunities. The out-breath of my work life is where I share the beauty of those things.

A traditional job, at least in my experience, demanded a rigid consistency that didn’t honor the flow of what I am. Rather, I was at the mercy of someone else’s demands on my time. “Be here at this time, work on this and not that, and you can leave at this time.” I didn’t have the opportunity to consult my own self-sincerity about what I felt was important to work on for the fulfillment of my own vision. Naturally, if someone is currently stuck in a job and recognizes what I’m talking about, it only speaks to the importance of honoring this path of being a heart-based solopreneur and getting their life back.

Burnout = Dishonoring the Flow of Sincerity

If we don't honor the flow of what we are, which includes taking care of ourselves, then we will get burned out. From what I can see, there are three major ways we can dishonor the flow of what we are.

1. Avoiding Self-Honesty

   Essentially, we are running away from ourselves. Understandably, in our human experience, we tend to be so afraid of our emotional sincerity. In this fear, we try to hide from it in our work, thinking... "If I can only get to a better future, then I won't have to deal with these painful emotions I'm hiding from." We are seeking a future outcome that only further separates us from ourselves. This "avoidance" is what gives rise to the other ways (mentioned below) that contribute to burnout.

   Self-honesty about your experience and journey is what keeps you in touch with what's really important. And what's most important is to take care of the one who is living this experience so they can do a better job of supporting others. If you don’t take care of the one who is serving, then the one who is serving does a poor job at serving.

   This is what we learn through our experience of painful burnout. We spend so much time running away from ourselves that we end up completely depleted and defeated. The pain invites us to discover better ways of taking better care of ourselves.

2. People Pleasing

   To build on point one of avoiding self-honesty, one of the major ways we do this is through people-pleasing. This arises from our confusion that seeks to collect approval from others, with the hope of one day being able to approve of ourselves. "If only they loved or liked me, then I could finally love and like myself."

   The compassionate insanity here is the declaration that says, "I have to be what other people want me to be if I am going to experience love and acceptance." In the same breath, that strategy also says, "The reality of what I am right now is not worthy of love and acceptance." So, in an attempt to gain love and acceptance by pleasing others, I am simultaneously rejecting myself.

   This is where we end up overcommitting to the wants and demands of other people, which helps us hide from self-honesty. The invitation here, in some way, is to honor your sincerity of yes or no; or even, "I changed my mind / things have changed." Honoring this yes or no is a self-honoring act; it is the acknowledgment of what is sincere with you. This is genuine self-love and acceptance. Furthermore, it's a great act of love and acceptance toward other people by allowing them to either like or not like your sincerity of yes or no. This is their opportunity to learn and grow, which involves learning to honor other people’s sincerity.

3. Seriousness Over Playfulness

When things are serious, there is tension and stress within us that tears down our mind, heart, and body. When things are playful, there is relaxation and lightness within us that fuels our mind, heart, and body.

The energy of seriousness always precedes any experience of burnout. You don't burn out on playfulness. If anything, when you become exhausted from a season of playfulness, you relax into a joyful rest. When you become exhausted from seriousness, it’s much more difficult to fully relax and rest because things are so serious.

What constitutes a serious life? Our assumption that our worth and value are in the future. This creates a landscape where we are afraid we might not reach it, and this makes things serious. So serious, in fact, that we must exercise violent control over ourselves and others. Similarly, any game we play becomes serious because we assume that the points in the game are real, and we, therefore, become afraid of losing or not getting enough points. We think the point of the game is to win; therefore, we become afraid of not winning, and this fear of not winning is what makes the game serious.

If someone were to realize that the points are imaginary, they might come to see that the true opportunity of the game is to simply play. By playing the game, there's a chance to learn and grow while also enjoying the opportunity to connect joyfully with other humans. Life, which we might call the game, exists as a present moment opportunity to learn, grow, and play; with the added benefit of connecting with other human beings.

Open to a Natural Rhythm = Flow

In life, there are natural rhythms of in and out, up and down, on and off, high and low, etc. Just as the seasons shift from hot to cold, wet and dry, light and dark, there are natural rhythms within the human being. What happens if you fight against the natural rhythms of life? Two things: One, you ultimately lose. Two, you become utterly exhausted.

The same fight happens as the human being tries to fight its natural rhythm, rather than coming into harmony with that rhythm. What happens if you fight the natural rhythm of sleep because “what you want” is to stay awake? Well, sure, you might be able to stay awake longer, but that awakeness is of lower quality, and your future awakeness is going to suffer.

When fighting against your natural sleep rhythm, the quality of what you want to achieve is diminished, and the future version of what you want to achieve will suffer as well.

The appropriate path would be to honor this natural and unavoidable rhythm and see that it’s designed to actually support you. The more you honor it, the more it can serve your desired experience.

Here are 3 natural rhythms to honor and explore:

1. The natural rhythm of rest and activity:

   You can honor this rhythm by taking breaks throughout the day and ensuring that you are getting enough sleep each night. There can be a prioritization for both ends of this rhythm. Scheduling your activity helps you to schedule your rest. However, importantly, the scheduling is served to honor the flow, not conquer the flow. Your scheduling anticipates the flow, based on your experience. It’s quite possible that the reality of your flow doesn’t honor your schedule.

   Just as much as there might be a rhythm of rest and activity during the day, there can be the same rhythm for rest and activity for the week, month, or year. There are rhythms within rhythms, because of this, you are best served to feel the rhythms that are happening, rather than trying to force the rhythms you think should be happening.

2. The natural rhythm of connection and solitude:

   You can honor this rhythm by making time for meaningful connections with others, while also allowing yourself enough solitude to recharge and reflect. What I appreciate so much about human diversity is just how different we are in our rhythms. For some people, they enjoy or prefer more social contact, and others enjoy or prefer less; the same goes for solitude. However, there is a commonality where we require both to some degree.

   All natural rhythms, including this one, will be a discovery of that rhythm, rather than a demand you impose onto life. This speaks to your ability to listen and feel into the rhythm that’s happening. This goes beyond the expectation of “should” and seeing what is genuinely present in natural rhythm. At first, yes, this might be difficult, as you are so accustomed to doubting your sincerity or living according to social expectations.

   Part of the beautiful opportunity here is to use this flow between being social and being alone as an opportunity to get back in touch with your sincerity.

3. The natural rhythm of ease and difficulty:

   It's understandable that we want things to be easy. What's often missed is that the important things, in the beginning, are often hard or difficult. Ease and difficulty go together in a beautiful way. The ease I experienced in my work came by way of learning how to do difficult things. The ease I experienced in relationships came by way of doing difficult things like being more honest about my emotional life and letting go of other people.

   You can honor this rhythm of ease and difficulty by consciously identifying the difficult things you must engage in for you to connect with greater ease. The failures you encounter while doing difficult things are not evidence of you not being enough; they are evidence of an opportunity to learn something that leads you toward greater ease.

   You can acknowledge the things you find difficult while also recognizing the value they can bring to your life if you engage with them. This acknowledgment helps you to not shy away from opportunities. Maybe it's not the right time to engage with them, but being honest about it creates an openness within you that doesn't hide from or push away the opportunity.

   Doing something difficult every day, large or small, will help you build the "muscle" of being open to growth. Remember also that you can approach difficult things with two different energies: one that is playful and one that is painfully serious. Engage with it playfully.

   Explore the Boundaries of Rhythms

   We often assume that we know where the boundary is before we experience it directly. In doing so, we push away the opportunity to explore it. Just because you experienced what seemed to be a limit to this boundary yesterday doesn't mean that it will be the same limit today or tomorrow. We are constantly growing, and in that growth, we will discover a natural expansion of those boundaries.

   A great analogy for this is to test and explore the boundaries of your muscles. As you do so regularly and consistently, your muscles get stronger. There is a natural rhythm of contraction and relaxation in our muscles. This back-and-forth rhythm, if explored, expands your capacity to contract and relax, making you stronger.

   It's important to note that if you don't test these boundaries, then you will lose the progress you have made in your strength. This is not inherently bad, it's just the way things work.

   Furthermore, in the same example, and as it relates to burnout, if you're not paying attention to the signs and cues as you test the limits of your muscles, you are likely to get injured. This injury results in extended periods of rest, which can be uncomfortable and sometimes difficult. Forcing the process of building muscle or achieving an outcome makes you less sensitive to listening and feeling into the natural rhythm.